Book Title Bingo, Part 2

Yep, it's that time again.  I'm browsing the Goodreads First Reads pages to look for YA ARCs and to find some of the more interesting titles on offer.

I find this horribly creepy

Blurb: A brilliant woman, a couple of mad scientists, and an erotic experiment with shocking results…
I totally didn't get that it was an erotic novel until I read the blurb.  I just thought they had creative capitalization.  Whoops.

I really hope there are no dead people involved here.

Once Pregnant, Twice Shy

Oh, Harlequin.
How does that work, exactly?  Are you twice as shy now that you're pregnant?  Are you extra leery of getting pregnant again?  Are you SO OUT OF PITHY PHRASES that you have to just use one that doesn't make sense?  *bonus points* the female lead is an orphan.

The Emergency Sasquatch Ordinance: And Other Real Laws That Human Beings Dreamed Up

Not gonna lie; I entered the giveaway for this.  I love lists of kooky laws.

The Lost Art of Dress: The Women Who Once Made America Stylish

The level of girl-on-girl hate in the blurb is flabbergasting: "As a glance down any street in America quickly reveals, American women have forgotten how to dress. We chase fads, choose inappropriate materials and unattractive cuts, and waste energy tottering in heels when we could be moving gracefully. Quite simply, we lack the fashion know-how we need to dress professionally and flatteringly."

Dressing "properly" is the most serious problem facing American women, evidently.  Not, you know, harassment or rape or being told you're not smart enough or being paid less than all the guys in your office.  WE CAN'T DRESS.  DEFCON 1, EVERYBODY.

lucille bluth 


Do Your Laundry or You'll Die Alone

Hmm.  That sounds more than vaguely threatening.  Evidently, if women don't step up and do laundry like grown ups, they will never attract A Man to marry them, which is the single most important thing a woman can do.  Besides laundry.  Right?

liz lemon eye roll

Speedos, Tattoos, and Felons

One of these things is not like the other.  Although it does sound like an, er, interesting combo.

This next title doesn't sound so bad; in fact, it's rather bland:
The Prophecy of Arcadia, but this line in the synopsis was fantastic: 
"A great mix of romance and mystery with sexy aliens!"
Dang.  I was hoping for vomit-inducing aliens.  

Lamby the Lonely Lamb

Look, I really like sheep.  But I wouldn't buy this book.  In that picture Lamby looks like he's really, really angry and is going to attack you like some sort of demon-possessed sheep.

And my favorite "whaaaaaaat?" title:

Beyond Cynical: Transcend Your Mammalian Negativity

So, are plants not cynical?  How about cephalopods?  Jolly all the time, eh?  Should I adopt a more reptilian attitude in my life?  This book promises that "you will literally forget to be cynical."  What if I'm just figuratively cynical?  Is there no hope?  Wait, is that me being literally cynical?

Also: dogs are mammals.  According to this book, mammals are negative.  But dogs are not negative.  They are the happiest gosh durned creatures I know.  Ergo, the premise is false.  Now I will pretend that I know something about logic and debate.

If you learn nothing else from this book, it's that monkeys and the earth live inside our brains, which are connected directly to our eyeballs.  Our eyeballs send zappy beams of stuff at another Earth, which is not inside our brains.

Please note that I have not read any of these books, nor do I harbor animosity toward their authors in any way.  I've merely found their titles, premises, or blurbs amusing.


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