Monday, March 31, 2014

Wonder What Happened

Reboots of classic characters are tricksy, tricksy things, my precioussss.

So far, the only run of the New 52 that I really enjoyed is Batgirl (and then I find out that they up and fired Gail Simone, so humph).  Snyder's Batman with the Court of the Owls is also intriguing, but I found the crossover issue hard to swallow.

And now, here we are with Wonder Woman.  I had pretty high expectations given that it's Brian Azzarello writing it (full disclosure: I haven't yet read 100 Bullets, but I know he's generally reviewed well.  So I'm kind of winging it here).  But but but but...

grumpy cat no

This is one of those reboots that's not just a reboot--it's a total reworking of a well-established character.  I don't think I'd like that even if it were done well.  This is going to be all spoilery, but I'm sure you've already guessed what's going on anyway.

Long story short: Wonder Woman finds out that she wasn't really shaped out of clay by her mom, Queen Hippolyta, but rather she's Zeus' daughter, product of a one-night bow chicka wow wow that comprises one of the more squicky spreads in this volume  *cringe*  Cue the temper tantrums.  And that's ... pretty much what happens in this volume.  It's really a bunch of stuff sort of crammed together, but none of it makes sense, especially in light of Greek mythology.

Let's go back to the beginning.  Hera sends assassins to murder a girl named Zola because Zeus had teh sexytimes with her (but Zola doesn't know that).  Hermes intervenes but manages to get his butt kicked.  Yay Wonder Woman!  Poor Hermes.  He ends up in a full-on leg brace.  Dude.  Rub some ambrosia and nectar on that and get on with things.  Diana takes them all back to Paradise Island.

Meanwhile, Hera is plotting whilst wearing a giant robe of peacock feathers and nothing else.  She sends her daughter, Eres, down to Paradise Island.  Except Azzarello insists on calling Eres "discord" and not her name.  This is irritating to me.  Eres makes the Amazons fight each other, for which they all blame Diana, because evidently all the Amazons actually hate Diana and they want to have some sort of wacko civil war because ... I don't know.  Unfortunately, the agitator of the rebellion decides to get things going right when Eres forces Hippolyta to describe in graphic detail her, um, time spent with Zeus to her daughter, which is obviously what every child wants to hear.  WW goes berserk and rips up a jungle and storms off to London to go clubbing.  As you do.

While Diana's getting hammered and attacking her sister Eres whilst Hermes looks on bemusedly, Apollo (who at first I SERIOUSLY thought was Darkseid from Superman) is chatting with his brother Ares (who again is described as War, not by his name, which is again totally confusing) in the middle of an African war zone.  As you do, if your brother is the god of War.  Then we find out that Zeus has *poof* disappeared.

fry

Well, seeing as we knew nothing about this at all earlier, this is a bit of a shock.  According to Hera, he's gone off into the "ether," whatever that means.  So all the gods decide now is a really good time to try and be king.
it's good to be the king
Poseidon shows up in the River Thames as this horribly ugly fish thing, while Hades pops up wearing a melted candle on his head.  Actually, he looks like a frog with a candle on its head.  Not exactly how I pictured God of the Dead and all.  I mean, even this guy was more menacing:
Is my hair out?
Wonder Woman jumps in and suggests that Poseidon and Hades have joint rulership and joint wife-time with Hera (which, ew) in order to provoke Hera into coming down and throwing down.  (Oh, did I mention that Hera went all Medusa on Hippolyta and turned her into stone and the Amazons into snakes?  Never mind that Medusa is associated with Athena, not Hera, but whatevs.  How can you just wipe out the entire Amazonian race???)

Once things get a little too heated, WW grabs Hermes' caduceus and a candle from Uncle Hades' head and throws them at Hera, thus inexplicable blasting her (Hera) back to Mount Olympus.  I legitimately have no idea what happened there.  Seriously.  Then it's more posturing until Hades decides to steal Zola in a cliffhanger ending.

Seriously, I feel dumber for having written about what I just read.  The artwork is pretty but not awesome, and the dialogue is just UGH.  I am sorely tempted to read the next volumes in order to see just how bad this can get, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to kick off my week with that level of intellectual masochism.

Images courtesy of memegenerator and the Disney Wiki.

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